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I mean ... [Sep. 30th, 2008|09:11 pm]
Matthew Yglesias was watching the second Couric-Palin interview so the rest of us wouldn't have to:

Katie Couric asks Sarah Palin which newspapers she reads and Palin replies “um, all of them.”:

COURIC: But what ones specifically? I’m curious.

PALIN: Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years.

COURIC: Can you name any of them?

PALIN: I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news.


Seriously, this woman has a chance to hold the second-most powerful office in our government? Seriously? Not even Dan Quayle was this incompetent.
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Funny Money [Jun. 6th, 2008|06:53 pm]
I went a couple of blocks down to the local Subway for an early dinner. On the wall by the cash register, they posted any and all recently received counterfeit bills. There were two occupants. One was a $1 bill that was produced by decent plates, but was clearly on the wrong texture of paper; I could spot it as fake from across the room, but I've had to learn how to spot fakes from playing in quasi-legal poker games. The other was a bill sporting the picture of the Statue of Liberty, with the denomination $1,000,000.

Wow, I thought. How fucking dumb do you have to be to try and pay for Subway with a one million dollar bill? First, there's the fact that the bill looked as fake as Pamela Anderson's breasts. Then there's the fact that no fast food franchise will have even close to one million on hand, and no manager on God's green earth would make a transaction that would clean out whatever cash they had on hand. Also you have to have some pretty amazing fucking discipline to think about walking into any Subway anywhere in America, buying a couple hundred bucks' worth of food, and saying "can you break a million" with a straight face. Finally, you have to remember that we're in a city where some places will refuse to break a hundred! How little planning went into that scheme?

Well, I did a Google search in order to find out. And I guess I should not have been surprised about this, but the same scheme has been tried before. According to Wikipedia,

In March 2004, Alice Regina Pike attempted to use a $1,000,000 bill with a picture of the Statue of Liberty on the front to purchase $1671.55 in goods from a Wal-Mart in Covington, Georgia, for which she was arrested.

In November 2007, Alexander D. Smith tried to open a bank account in Aiken County, South Carolina by depositing a $1,000,000 bill. The bank employee refused to deposit the bill and called the police. Smith was immediately arrested on a charge of forgery.


I've been in some pretty dire financial straits before. But I cannot even imagine the combination of desperation and stupidity that would lead to someone walking into a bank with a one million dollar bill in their pocket. Even if that guy comes out of jail rehabilitated, I have no clue what job he could be smart enough to do.
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And in "Dumb Movie Dialogue" News... [Apr. 16th, 2008|08:40 am]
Apparently, in the Racer family, the only thing they've ever cared about is race-car driving. Who knew?
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Patriot Games [Feb. 25th, 2008|12:12 am]
I've had a couple of people, including my own father, ask me if I'm giving up my U.S. citizenship by moving to this new job. I guess it's a fair question, especially from someone like my dad who has never even traveled overseas before. But it's kind of depressing that people would even think that the answer could be yes. Does my love for my country seem so slight?

Take Barack Obama. A whisper campaign has recently started in the capital, suggested that he is not patriotic. The AP says, "Obama May Face a Grilling on Patriotism," but the only people quoted who think that he isn't a patriot are "republican consultant Roger Stone" (who has, among other things, founded an anti-Hillary nonprofit with the acronym C.U.N.T.), a guy who worked for the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth during the 2004 election, and the host of "Fox and Friends." CNN takes this and runs with it, asking in an online poll if Barack Obama has enough patriotism to be president.

You can bet that Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity will be all over this soon enough, if not already. It's sad, but the real troubling part is that my father listens to Limbaugh and Hannity. I don't want to have to re-affirm that I love America, but that's the sad state of the political climate in this country.

Maybe by leaving D.C., I can just forget about this stuff and just get the headlines online like everyone else. That would be nice.
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Great Odin's Raven! [Feb. 6th, 2008|11:08 am]
Dear Judd Apatow and Kristen Bell, thanks for a near heart attack:

http://www.imdb.com/rg/VIDEO_PLAY/LINK//video/trailer/me706112451/

They should mention this in the warning before the trailer. "Contains sexuality, crude humor, and a quick cut to the sexiest geek-friendly actress in the world in a skimpy bikini."
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10 greatest fight scenes on film [Feb. 5th, 2008|11:21 pm]
Caught a double bill of The Karate Kid and Enter the Dragon on AMC tonight while packing, and started thinking about this. The list is obviously pretty subjective, but the main criterion was how impressive the actual actors looked during the sequence (sorry, Kill Bill). Another requirement is that the villain has to look like a match for the hero (sorry, Steven Seagal).

10. Jet Li vs. "The Twins," Kiss of the Dragon. Just an atrocious movie, but it's slightly redeemed at the end with a complex scene between Li and the team of Cyril Raffaelli (the short one) and Didier Azoulay (the big one). Although the rest of the movie assumes the audience is dumb as a post, the fight scene asks that people be smart and think about how Li uses Raffaelli's acrobatics against him, which I've always liked. Plus, the pulsating Mystikal song that runs in the background is just right for the mood.

9. Patrick Swayze vs. Marshall Teague, Road House. One of the most brutal fights I can recall seeing in a movie and the most brutal one on this list, it was choreographed by kickboxing legend Benny "The Jet" Urquidez and performed almost entirely by the actors (Swayze has a black belt, and it shows). It's also very well shot, with a lot of long, close-in takes that really sell the intensity of the two actors.

8. Michelle Yeoh vs. Zhang Yiyi, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. "The friendship is over." Then the two actresses turn in a spectacular display with a dizzying array of weapons. Loses some points because Yeoh was starting to slow down a little at this point in her career, but amazing nonetheless.

7. Brandon Lee vs. Al Leong, Rapid Fire. At the time, it was a shockingly long scene; I was used to seeing Seagal break a guy's arm in half a second or van Damme dispatching someone with a single helicopter kick. Veteran stuntman Leong (better known as That Torture Guy from Lethal Weapon) and Lee throw the kitchen sink at each other, mixing kung fu, jeet kune do, and "whatever works" in a way that would have made Brandon's father proud.

6. Jackie Chan vs. Benny "The Jet" Urquidez, Dragons Forever. Chan and Urquidez fought in two movies, this one and Wheels on Meals. Each fight is considered by some to be the best of either man's career. I prefer this one because it flows better and is more acrobatic; the Wheels on Meals fight ends too abruptly. One of the few times in Jackie Chan's career where he looked like a pure fighter, as opposed to a combination of fighter and clown.

5. Bruce Lee vs. Bob Wall, Enter the Dragon. Lee had already showed off some of his skill in the movie, but this sequence is the first where the audience is meant to realize what a master he is. The myth is that Lee moves so quickly on the first two punches that you have to slow down the film to one frame per second to see his hand move. This movie, and specifically this scene, kindled my love of martial arts movies.

4. Jet Li vs. Donnie Yen, Once Upon a Time In China II. Yen's character is introduced via a masterful stickfighting scene with Li. In the same way that Bruce Lee had the nunchuku and Jackie Chan has the everyday household implement, the Shaolin staff is Li's signature weapon, and he has never looked more impressive than in this sequence.

3. Jet Li vs. Xin-Xin Xhong, Once Upon a Time in China. The famous "Ladder Fight" loses points because Li hurt his leg during shooting; a little more than half of it isn't him. Otherwise the iconic choreography, which Xhong did himself, would catapult it to the top of the list. This scene is so good that when it was remade by Xhong with stuntmen for the otherwise-forgettable movie The Musketeer, that almost made this list also.

2. Tony Jaa vs. Lateef Crowder, The Protector. Because the Brazilian martial art capoeira is based on dance moves, it's hard to make it look dangerous in a movie. Crowder delivers the goods in a major way in that area; he appears faster, stronger, and simply more badass than Jaa for most of the scene. Jaa has to deliver one of most acrobatic fights in the history of martial arts films just to keep up, and then he has to take it to another level to win. It's not #1 only because Crowder got hurt during shooting (one shot is awkwardly cut so that you can't see his elbow buckle under a Jaa kick) and the scene was cut short.

1. Bruce Lee vs. Chuck Norris, Return of the Dragon. Two legends meet in their respective primes. The entire Tao of jeet kune do is told in just a few minutes, and with no words: Lee falls behind because he tries to fight with power like Norris, then he takes advantage of Norris' rigid karate stance by dancing around, forcing Norris to abandon his stance and fight like Lee. There is so much legend, rumor, and straight-up bullshit out there about this fight that the incredible skill of the two men can be forgotten. One example is that some Lee biographies claim Lee and Norris were actually hitting each other; whether it's true or not does not make the scene any less impressive.
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From the Department of Empty Threats [Feb. 4th, 2008|01:55 pm]
I rode the Metro to Union Station today on my lunch break. At Union, a woman was getting very angry with a ticket-vending machine.

--Oh no, you will not do that to me!

Yeah, I'm sure you just put the fear of God into the inanimate object.
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NBA: Halfway Point [Jan. 30th, 2008|09:46 pm]
So you're saying that many of my preseason predictions were wrong? Stop living in the past! Contemporize, man!

Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division

1. Boston Celtics. The really impressive thing is the way that Kevin Garnett is rubbing off on the kids. Their bench, which was ridiculed in the preseason, looked very solid in their most recent game without KG.

2. Toronto Raptors. When they're shooting hot they can beat anybody. However, to get there in the playoffs you need to be more than a perpetual heat-check.

3. New Jersey Nets. It's just not happening with Vince Carter. They should almost surely be trading him instead of Jason Kidd, but they will surely get more value for Kidd.

4. Philadelphia 76ers. I have nothing to say about this team that is either relevant or true.

5. New York Knicks. Isaiah has added some talent, such that they are potentially dangerous on the wrong night. But they have no chemistry and no plan on defense, and their salary commitment is simply insane. This team is just a train wreck.

Central Division

1. Detroit Pistons. Wow. I keep waiting for their key guys to get old, and it just isn't happening. Plus, some young, cheap pickups are coming on strong off the bench. They seem to be the favorite in the East, because...

2. Cleveland Cavaliers. ...LeBron needs some help. Larry Hughes, Big Z and Daniel Gibson are decent, but terribly inconsistent on both sides of the floor. King James is having an unreal season -- 29.9/7.7/7.3 as of this writing, comparable to Jordan's historic 32/8/8 year in 1988-89 -- and he's the MVP by a mile, but his team's record through 43 games is the same as the Gilbert-less Wizards.

3. Indiana Pacers. Jermaine O'Neal seems to think that he is The Man for this team, without actually doing Man-type things. Their 19-27 record at this writing is actually pretty impressive, considering how little they got out of their supposed superstar before he was hurt.

4. Chicago Bulls. Wow. I had them pegged as division winners. However, the uncertainty surrounding many of their players seems to have destroyed their positive chemistry from last season. This may get much worse before it gets better.

5. Milwaukee Bucks. Even the English majors can tell you that there's no "D" in Milwaukee.

Southeast Division

1. Orlando Magic. What is Dwight Howard's ceiling? Can it even be measured? He is already outdoing Shaquille O'Neal's production at the same age. If only they had perimeter D, they could crush the Pistons.

2. Washington Wizards. Their showing without Arenas has been very impressive, especially on defense. However, teams tend to take on the personality of their stars, so it will be interesting to see if they adopt Agent Zero's lax approach to defense when he comes back.

3. Atlanta Hawks. They're making their move. They're also five games under .500. Nice move.

4. Charlotte Bobcats. I've heard some things about Gerald Wallace becoming a superstar. Really? Dude has been in the league seven years, and he went to college; if he was going to be a SUPERstar, it would have happened long before now. They're better off building around him than Emeka Okafor, though.

5. Miami Heat. Ouch. This is just ugly. Wade can only do so much when Shaq has lost his defense and none of their other guys ever knew how to play it in the first place. Plus, they traded or let go of all their shooters in the offseason. Disaster looms.

Western Conference

Northwest Division

1. Utah Jazz. Just like in the Stockton/Malone era, they are really good and no one seems to notice until the playoffs come around. Ronnie Brewer adds a very important athletic dimension at shooting guard.

2. Portland Trailblazers. Wow, wow, wow. They're putting the wood to Cleveland as I write this. (EDIT: LeBron put the Cavs on his back in the fourth quarter and they ended up winning. That's why he's the MVP.) I've always liked Brandon Roy, but the shocker has been how quickly their young guys have come along -- LaMarcus Aldridge, Martell Webster, Travis Outlaw, and so on. Their quick and impressive maturation is a sign of great coaching, which in turn makes them a very scary team come playoff time.

3. Denver Nuggets. They're just not playing defense they way you would expect a George Karl-coached team to do. Add in Carmelo's injury, and they are utterly dependent on Allen Iverson's shot going down every night, and he couldn't do that even when his legs were young.

4. Seattle Supersonics. Just a bunch of gunners with no solid plan on offense or defense. It would be very sad to see Kevin Durant's massive potential to go to waste in an environment like this.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves. Where's the light at the end of the tunnel? Even if they get Michael Beasley in the draft, they need better guards and a decent coach. Al Jefferson's 40/19 the other night does offer a chance to dream, though.

Pacific Division

1. Phoenix Suns. This is a great team to watch but they simply do not play the defense to beat San Antonio, Dallas, or even Utah in a playoff series. When guys like Brian Skinner are getting crunch-time minutes, that's trouble.

2. Los Angeles Lakers. Andrew Bynum saved their season by coming out strong and preventing this team from succumbing to Kobe-induced turmoil. Now we have to see how they respond with Bynum hurt and notorious Kobe target Kwame Brown getting big minutes.

3. Golden State Warriors. The most fun team in the league to watch, especially when they are at home and the crowd is fired up. Their big guys would look more impressive if they played in the East, and they didn't have to face Yao Ming, Carols Boozer, Tim Duncan, etc., night after night.

4. Sacramento Kings. There has been talk of trading Ron Artest, Mike Bibby, or both. My question would then be, who are they building around? Brad Miller and Kevin Martin? Seriously? I just don't think this team has a plan.

5. Los Angeles Clippers. With the injuries, their lineup is basically Sam Cassell, Corey Maggette, Chris Kaman, and a bunch of guys who weren't even good five years ago (Cuttino Mobley, Tim Thomas, Brevin Knight, Dan Dickau). Rookie Al Thornton has looked good in spots, but this is no situation for a rookie to thrive in.

Southwest Division

1. New Orleans Hornets. Whoa. I wrote before the season that they "could challenge for first place in the Southeast or Northwest," but I didn't realize they could have the best record in the conference! Chris Paul is looking more and more like a young Isaiah Thomas every night, setting up his teammates early on and then making utterly unstoppable drives to the basket in crunch time.

2. Dallas Mavericks. There's talk of them trading for Jason Kidd. Why? They look perfectly fine and have already exorcised the Golden State ghosts by dominating them during the regular season meetings. The addition of Brandon Bass for post defense makes them a very dangerous team.

3. San Antonio Spurs. Danger, Will Robinson. Tony Parker is hurt, Bruce Bowen has looked done, and their bench has been nothing to write home about. Still, they're built to win playoff series, so it's too soon to say they've lost anything from last year.

4. Houston Rockets. Yao Ming is an odd player. He's averaging 22/11/2 with 2 blocks per game -- if you look at Hakeem's career numbers, they're pretty similar -- but he never seems dominant. This is the team that should be trading for Kidd, because even when McGrady is healthy he doesn't seem to set Yao up very well.

5. Memphis Grizzlies. Rudy Gay looks very promising, but no one else on this team does, including the highly overrated Pau Gasol. When your team's best move all season is to release an overpaid guy (Damon Stoudamire), that's bad news.
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RIP Bobby Fischer ... Or Not [Jan. 18th, 2008|02:09 pm]
So, I've played chess since I was eight. I played on my college team, and for money in tournaments after I graduated. I loved the movie Searching for Bobby Fischer. Thus, there could be only one reaction to the news of his passing today:

Fuck that motherfucker. I pray that there is a hell, and that he's roasting his nuts there.

I am so sick of the Fischer hero-worship. People (chess commentators especially) tend to act like Fischer should be right up there with Reagan, Gorbachev, and Walesa with ending the Cold War. They act like the victory over Spassky was some kind of victory for America; in reality, it was a victory for crazed, bigoted assholes the world over. At the chess tables in D.C.'s Dupont Circle, there's this mentally ill homeless guy who walks around shouting "Monkey Park!" and cursing black people in Italian and German. Fischer-Spassky was a victory for that guy, not for me.
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On Panhandling [Jan. 14th, 2008|03:32 pm]
I was sitting in Philadelphia's 30th Street Station over the weekend, waiting for an Amtrak train to take me back from a work-related trip. A man in a leather jacket baring the colors of the Pittsburgh Steelers approached me on the bench.

--Is that the Bible?

I was nonplussed, because I was engrossed in Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian, a book which might be best described as the anti-Bible.

--No, it's not.
--Do you read the Bible?
--No, I don't.

Which was true. The guy grinned.

--Well, I'm like you!

He offered his hand, and I shook it. Then he asked me to buy him something at McDonald's. It was pretty clear he would have claimed to be like me no matter what answer I had given on the Bible question. I declined to help him.

I try to give money and spare change whenever I can, but sometimes I think I don't have enough sympathy for the homeless. A friend and former co-worker has founded a non-profit in Philadelphia, Back on My Feet, and compared to her example I do next to nothing. But every time I think that I should be more sympathetic, something like this happens, where the homeless guy basically tells me whatever he thinks I want to hear because I look like an easy mark (pardon the pun).

I am reminded of a time when a guy came up to me on Veteran's Day and claimed that he was a machine-gunner on the rescue mission that retrieved John McCain from the POW camp in Vietnam (in fact McCain's release was negotiated by the U.S. government). I might have given the guy a dollar if he had just claimed to be a homeless veteran, but I got pissed that he lied to me, and gave him nothing. Didn't feel too bad about it, either.

In retrospect, though, would I have told the same lie in his position if I needed money that bad? Probably, yeah. I guess that doubt is what makes me look like an easy mark.
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Life Changes [Dec. 30th, 2007|04:10 am]
Something interesting happened to me the other day. I can't reveal too much about it yet, but I will call it my Life Change. If you know me a little, you might not think I need a Life Change, but I do, and here's why:

I went to a local bar tonight to watch the Patriots/Giants game. During the course of the game, at least four attractive women sat on the barstools next to me, but I knew that I could not flirt with any one of them. The reason was that they talked entirely too much about work, and I knew from experience that my answer to the question "what do you do" was not very interesting. Was very boring, as a matter of fact.

As woman after woman passed through these barstools, I realized I needed one of two things: either (a) a better answer to the question "what do you do?" or (b) to live in a place where the women do not care so much about your answer to the question "what do you do?".

So, I think that the Life Change can offer me something better in both of these areas, and even if it doesn't, it will be a hell of a lot of fun. I can't say much more, but if you read my Star City column, you should find out what is going on in a month or so. Thank you for reading.
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Movie Quotes [Dec. 6th, 2007|03:02 pm]
Oh, well. These things happen sometimes. Answers below...

1. "The old man's still an artist with the Thompson." (I could use any one of a hundred quotes from this movie, but I think this one is my favorite.)
Miller's Crossing. God, this movie is so good. I would have said it was the best of the Coen movies, but then I saw No Country for Old Men.

2. "God hates me, that's what it is."
"Hate him back, it works for me." (Kind of funny to see how these two guys' paths have diverged.)
Lethal Weapon. I have a soft spot for '80s action movies, mainly because I watched them on HBO a lot when my parents weren't around.

3. "Pay the fucking goddamn check, bitch!"
Carlito's Way. This line never fails to get a huge laugh, every time I see it and no matter whom I see it with.

4. "If you didn't want him killed, why'd you leave him with me?" (If anyone guesses this one, I'll point out the best DVD feature of all time that exists with this movie.)
Devil in a Blue Dress. The best line from Don Cheadle's breakout performance. The DVD feature shows Denzel and Cheadle improvising some scenes together, during Cheadle's screen test. Just goosebump-inducing.

5. "My name's--"
"Do I want to know? If I want camaraderie, I'll join the Masons. There's only the mission."
Spartan. My favorite Mamet movie and the only Val Kilmer performance I've ever liked.

6. "It's so damn hot ... milk was a bad choice!"
Anchorman, obviously. I actually am not all that high on Ferrell, except for this movie.

7. "Now, I don't wanna kill you and you don't wanna be dead."
Danny Glover again, in Silverado. An incredibly underrated Western.

8. "I'm the guy who tells you there are guys you hit, and there are guys you don't. That's not quite a guy you can't hit, but it's almost a guy you can't hit."
The Departed. Dunno why, just laughed really hard at this line when I saw this movie in the theater.

9. "Joe Franklin raped me."
Sarah Silverman in The Aristocrats. I guess between this and the Carlito's Way quote above, this post comes off as kind of misogynistic. In both cases, you just have to see the movie.

10. "That's what it's all about, isn't it? Making the wrong move at the right time." (I admit to having used this one at the poker table several times too many.)
The Cincinnati Kid. Not as good as Rounders, but a great poker movie nonetheless.

11. "In ancient cultures, bears were considered equal to men."
"This ain't no ancient culture, pal."
"Sometimes it is." (Shoots him)
Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai. Killer music in this movie also, from the RZA.

12. "How do I know you're okay?"
"I suppose I could let you fuck me."
"That would work!"
The Score. Angela Bassett was the only female lead I saw who seemed De Niro's equal. Too bad her role in this movie is so small.

13. "Give the guy a gun and he's Superman. Give him two, and he's God!"
Hard Boiled. Just had to pick a line from this one, the best action move ever made.

14. "I said I never had much use for it. Never said I didn't know how." (From one of my all-time favorite underrated movies.)
Quigley Down Under. Another criminally underrated Western.

15. "Lie to no one. If it's someone close to you, you'll ruin it with a lie. If it's a stranger, who the fuck are they, you gotta lie to 'em?"
Thief. James Caan was as good as he'll ever get in this movie.
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Kids These Days... [Dec. 6th, 2007|11:16 am]
Maybe you've heard the story of Megan Meier, a 13-year-old in Missouri who committed suicide after her MySpace boyfriend broke up with her and started insulting her over the Net. The reason this is becoming a national story is because the "boyfriend" was a fictional construction, invented by one Lori Drew, the 35-year-old mother of one of Megan's friends. The Drews have since moved away with no forwarding address, as the national exposure of the story has directed quite a bit of criticism their way. AOL News has the story here.

Well, if you want most of your faith in humankind amputated in one brutal stroke, check out Megan Had It Coming, a new blog that purports to be written by Lori Drew to tell her side of the story. Surely this must be a hoax: the blog posts, and especially all comments written by the blog's author, sound like the defensive ramblings of a teenager caught taking the parents' car keys without permission. On the other hand, this person seems to have a pretty in-depth knowledge of the case, such that the best hoax artists could fake.

I don't know which is the more depressing result, hoax or authentic. If it's a hoax, then someone actually thought this was an interesting use of their free time, which is scary enough. If it's for real ... it's pretty chilling to think that a woman can be married for at least 14 years and have a child before revealing that she's a total psychopath.
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The NBA is here again... [Nov. 1st, 2007|09:28 am]
...at least until they catch another referee on the take. Until then, my predictions are:

Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division

1. Toronto Raptors. This team is surprisingly good. They were put together to be the Phoenix Suns of the East, and they're not too far away from that goal. I think they would shoot the lights out against...



2. Boston Celtics. Kevin Garnett is really good, but I am concerned about their perimeter defense against today's slash-and-kick NBA offenses.



3. New Jersey Nets. They're good, but they just didn't get any better over the summer. Vince Carter has had ample time to prove he can carry a team like this to a ring, and it seems clear that he cannot.



4. New York Knicks. When they're at home, they're going to get blown out a lot. But you already knew that after Stephon Marbury testified in the Anucha Browne Sanders trial.



5. Philadelphia 76ers. Maurice Cheeks is one of the league's best human beings, but he's not the best coach. And even if he were, it would take a lot to turn this ragtag bunch around.



Central Division

1. Chicago Bulls. The Lakers want Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah for Kobe. You know what? I'd say no to that also. Each one of those guys is perfect in his own way for this team.



2. Detroit Pistons. How much longer does this team stay together? When things go downhill for them, they'll go way downhill, and fast. I don't know that it will happen this year, though.



3. Cleveland Cavaliers. People make the Jordan comparison, but in the Bulls' title years, the supporting cast was Scottie Pippen and a bunch of guys who didn't make a lot of mistakes. The non-Pippen guys may not have been great, but they never beat themselves. Lebron doesn't have a Pippen, and he definitely doesn't have guys who can keep from beating themselves.



4. Indiana Pacers. They'll be better under Jim O'Brien, but I just can't see them beating the three teams above them in the division.



5. Milwaukee Bucks. Just call him LOLianjian. Chairman Yi (as Bill Simmons has dubbed him) is not ready for the NBA and won't be for a few years. Problem is, they've promised him 20 minutes a night.



Southeast Division

1. Orlando Magic. Dwight Howard shot 45% from the free throw line last season. He made 8 of 10 free throws on opening night. Be afraid. Be very afraid.



2. Washington Wizards. They have the wing talent to win the division, and Gilbert Arenas is back with a vengeance. But, they do not have a defense that can stop Dwight Howard.



3. Miami Heat. Dwayne Wade is going to have to change his style, or his future in the NBA will be short and injury-plagued. Also, Shaq is close to done. I can't see him playing three more years.



4. Atlanta Hawks. They're young enough and athletic enough to leapfrog Miami if Wade gets hurt. But if Wade stays healthy, I can't see them displaying the maturity and playing the defense they would need to do that.



5. Charlotte Bobcats. Now we get to see what Jason Richardson is really made of. I say it's fool's gold.



Western Conference

Northwest Division

1. Utah Jazz. They've proven they can play defense well enough to win the division. That makes them the smart pick over...



2. Denver Nuggets. They looked awesome on opening night, but it was against Seattle. Fact is, their support cast has a lot of question marks, either in terms of health (Kenyon Martin, Marcus Camby, Nene, all their point guards) or talent (somebody Yahkuba Diawara). Still, do not discount how hungry Allen Iverson is and how badly Carmelo wants to be where Lebron and Dwayne Wade have already been.



3. Seattle Supersonics. Hey, somebody has to finish third. Smart coaching from P.J. Carlesimo could get them there. By the way, Kevin Durant scored more points in his first game than Tim Duncan, Shaquille O'Neal, and Michael Jordan did in theirs.



4. Portland Trailblazers. You read it here first: Greg Oden, draft bust. He'll be lucky if he even compares to Sam Bowie.



5. Minnesota Timberwolves. Hey world, meet Al Jefferson. He's not bad. The rest of the team is, and so is their coach.



Pacific Division

1. Phoenix Suns. They'll run away with the division - literally - but they've lost a lot of bench depth in the last few years. Also, Grant Hill does not shoot the three well enough to play in this offense, and Shawn Marion is unhappy. I see them having the third-best record in the conference.



2. Golden State Warriors. Look at the other three teams in this division. The Lakers are in turmoil, the Clippers are hurt, and Sacramento is awful. It's their time to put up or shut up.



3. Los Angeles Lakers They could actually be decent if they got the four-guys-for-Kobe package from Chicago, but there is no way in hell the Bulls are doing that.



4. Sacramento Kings. At least their most important guys are healthy. That's more than can be said of...



5. Los Angeles Clippers Elton Brand is out most of the season. Shaun Livingston's career could be over. Sam Cassell is likely to demand a trade to a contender. Everybody else is unhappy. They'll be playing for the number 1 lottery pick.



Southwest Division

1. Dallas Mavericks. This is a team built to have the best record in the NBA over the course of a season, and I expect them to do that.



2. San Antonio Spurs. This is a team built to win back-to-back NBA titles, and I expect them to do that.



3. Houston Rockets. Everyone always says, "if Yao and McGrady stay healthy for a full season..." but does anyone expect it to happen? Still, they're well-coached and the supporting cast is solid. Expect more wins than last year.



4. New Orleans Hornets. Man, this division is brutal. They could challenge for first place in the Southeast or Northwest, Chris Paul is that good. Also, having a full-time home will help them immensely. If Tyson Chandler plays like the star it was once thought he could be, they'll make the playoffs.



5. Memphis Grizzlies. Rudy Gay may well be their best player by the time the season's over. If Gay proves to be less soft than a bean bag chair, he'll have exceeded Pao Gasol.

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On Professional Poker [Oct. 24th, 2007|10:39 am]
I've been doing pretty well in my local poker game lately. I've made almost twice as much playing poker over the last month as I've made at my job over the same period. At the same time, some things have happened at my job which have left me pretty disgruntled, so I began wondering what I could do for extra money.

All of this thinking and wondering has led me to realize how hard it is to play poker for a living. Observe:

1) "Twice as much as I made at my job over the same period" sounds nice, but it's not actually that much money because my job pays me like crap. Once you think about rent, bills, grad school, food, and so on, there's not much left over. And it's really important that there be something left over for the professional player, because...

2) Maintaining a sufficient bankroll to keep playing is not easy. My local game is $1/$3 no limit, which is occasionally bumped up to $2/$5 no limit if enough fish want to play it that way. These are high-variance games, so a large poker-only bankroll is essential to keep me insulated against a bad run. It just boggles my mind how much money someone like Daniel Negreanu must devote specifically to poker, to make sure that one bad couple of weeks (at much higher limits than what I play) doesn't break him.

3) It's exhausting. In order to play the game such that I would win the amount that I did over the last month, I had to play 5 nights a week, sometimes as late as 2-3 a.m. the next day, and then go to work that next day most of the time. Throw in grad school and needing to play enough Magic to write a weekly column, and it's a brutal pace. Poker, as they say, is a hard way to make an easy living, and the hours are a big part of it.

4) One brief run does not a living make. Yeah, I've been on a month-long rush, but I'm no idiot in terms of what that means for the long run: next to nothing. People who play for a living have to take the per-session average I've had over the past 30 days, and sustain it for an entire year, or they don't pay the rent. All it takes is one bad month, and even if the bankroll is intact you could be up against it in terms of paying the bills. Sure, poker pros can make deals to write for magazines or get sponsored by online sites, but they still have to make a living at cards or they lose their value in those side gigs.

5) I'm bad at online poker. I just like to have a person across the table to look at; it's easier to read them and learn their tendencies. Online poker is best for making a living because the hands move so fast; if you have a small edge over the opposition on each hand, it's easy to turn that edge into a significant amount of money over the course of a single day.

So, yeah, I'm decent at poker, and recently I've turned it into a decent amount of money. But all it's really done for me is put me in awe, and pointed out to me how small I am compared to the big fish of the game.
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Hey, Bill O'Reilly... [Sep. 27th, 2007|10:00 am]
...gimme an iced tea, motherfucker.
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RIP Madeline L'Engel [Sep. 10th, 2007|11:15 am]
About a month or so back I was trying to figure out what exactly made me a geek. It wasn't "Star Wars"; my dad took me to the 1982 re-release and I was so terrified by Darth Vader that he had to take me home. It wasn't "Star Trek"; when I tried to watch "Wrath of Khan" a couple years later, I was so revolted by the worms-in-the-ear sequence that I didn't see another movie in the theater for seven years. It wasn't until I heard about Madeline L'Engel's death last week that I realized: "A Wrinkle in Time" was what did it.

I can't really say it any better than this fine appreciation piece in the Washington Post, so I'll let them speak for me:

"A Wrinkle in Time" was not the sort of book you were assigned in school; with its New Testament quotations and witchy supporting characters it was at once too Christian and too blasphemous. It was the sort of book you discovered on your own ... Meg's awkwardness, her anger, her imperfections were too intensely private, too attuned to your own gangly self-loathing ... Woven through every story line: the unfailing message to be yourself, delivered not in a syrupy parental way but in a jarring and often scary one.


At least one part of that was untrue for me: I was introduced to the book by my third-grade teacher, who read it to the class. In the early afternoon, where our attention would surely have been lost if she had tried to bludgeon us with math or phonics, she instead read L'Engel to us aloud for about an hour. The class, by and large, loved it: we thought we were too old to be read to, but "Wrinkle" was just far enough over our heads that we felt more mature by experiencing it.

In retrospect, it amazes me that no parents complained or stopped the reading. The book is maybe a little too mature for third-graders, and Kansas probably would not have gone for it even if we had been in high school (for its odd takes on science and mysticism, "Wrinkle" has been one of the most-often-banned books from public libraries for years). I doubt any third grader in the country would have L'Engel read to them today. I consider myself one of the lucky ones.
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Michael Vick ad Nauseum [Aug. 29th, 2007|08:38 am]
The latest trend in newspapering is the "handwringing editorial about people supporting Michael Vick," such as Jonathan Capehart's from today's Washington Post. The cheers that Vick got when he entered the courtroom seem to have a lot of professional opinionators concerned.

Look, this is real simple. PETA activists, although they support a very sympathetic cause, are not very sympathetic by themselves. Basically, they feel superior to you. They are less cruel, more aware of the environment, doing Good Things for the earth that you are not doing. They might have a point, too: I can't ever come up with a justification for why I eat meat that doesn't make me sound like a heartless bastard.

However, if there is one place where a group of mostly white young people feeling superior is not going to fly, it's in a criminal case for a young black man in Atlanta. Atlanta is currently referred to as the capital of Black America, but it was once the capital of the Confederacy, and judging from the history books I've read you don't have to be much older than 40 to personally remember a time when the two intersected in ugly ways.

Sure, Vick plead guilty, but the older crowd in Atlanta (and the kids who listen to their parents' and grandparents' stories) sees a bunch of white activists coming down and trying to, for lack of a better word, lynch him in the media. Hence, the counter-protests where people are singing "We Shall Overcome" (according to the Post's Michael Wilbon) and holding up signs that suggest PETA as an acronym for "People Evilly Treating Africans" (according to the Post's Mike Wise).

Bottom line, the guy will go to jail. Maybe he'll play ball again someday, maybe not. Everything else is just a Rorschach test for how each of us sees the world.
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No Justice [Aug. 20th, 2007|12:40 am]
So the job I interviewed for isn't working out.

My current job is driving me insane.

Grad school seems like an interminable hole from which I cannot dig out.

This is what Magic Online is for - I can log on, forget my issues, and enter a 4X Tenth Edition Release Event. I went 4-1-1, drawing with Tim Aten in the final round to ensure top 8 alongside Rich Hoaen and other luminaries.

And then...

If you've played MTGO, you already know.

The clock starts flashing red. Magic Online dumps me. Everything is lost. My promises of top 8, pack prize, entry into the 4X Championships, all lost. I'll get a refund, but there was so much more at the tips of my fingers.

No justice.
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Not so FAN-tastic anymore [Jul. 20th, 2007|01:27 pm]
During the NBA Finals, Person A told me about Person B's opinion of the series. A knew I would value B's opinion, because B is a professional sports bettor who uses computer models to predict the correct bets.

"[B] says this Finals is fixed," A said. "All of the models say the Cavs should be winning."

I pshaw'ed him. "That doesn't make any sense," I said. "The NBA should want LeBron to win! Why would they fix it against him?"

"Gambling," A replied flatly.

I assumed A was a Cavs fan, just bitter about his team losing. Maybe not.

Can there be anything worse for the NBA? NBA referees have soooo much power. As ESPN's TrueHoop blog pointed out, a hand-check or loose ball foul could be called on almost every play. Forget the bad Finals ratings; it seems like the sport itself could be in deep shit. I would not want to be David Stern right now.
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